If the poor layout of the title wasn’t a hint enough, this Death Note fanfic is going to be painful…VERY painful.
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From the author’s note: You did a fan fiction without even researching the fandom you were making a fic from? Oh dear Krom…O__O
Here’s a hint, author…if you don’t know a character’s name, find out what it is. Otherwise, your story is going to look incredibly stupid right out of the gate.
“This is your twin brother Dark Yagami” they both said together, and pointed to the guy in the corner of the room. Okay so you can put commas in your narration but not your dialogue? Is this the same author from Kit and Kat? Not to mention, if Light hadn’t met Mello yet, why bring up that he looked like Mello? In fact, why not describe what Mello looks like instead of just saying he looked like Mello (which is lazy writing even IF someone knew anything about Death Note!)
“lolling”? “Whales?” WHERE ELSE DID YOU THINK WALES WAS? MON-FUCKING-TANA?!
With this whole top secret orphanage thing, in one sentence in the first chapter you have provided ample evidence for the reader to stop reading because you just shot a plot canyon into your story!
Another parenthesis? Are we going to have to do another damn drinking game?
“Come on Dark I’ve got something to show you” Light said…Well, he got over his depression pretty damn quick.
Author, have you ever heard of spell check?
(Checks ahead) NO! NO! DON’T DO IT! IT’S WORSE! IT’S WOOOOORRRRSSSSEEEE!
And here I thought blood bananas were made of peach cobbler.
“I AM THE NEW KING OF THE SHINIGAMI AND I HAVE A SPECIAL DEATH NOTE THAT KILLS ANYONE WHOS NAME IS WRITTEN IN IT EVEN IF YOU DONT KNOW THERE FACE OR NAME”
THEN HOW DO YOU KILL THEM, YOU MORON?! LOOK THEM UP IN A FUCKING PHONE BOOK AND HOPE FOR THE BEST? GODDAMMIT!
I agree, pies of shit really should die.
Ah, your comment made me laugh! XD
You’re welcome! Although I am almost afraid Susan might blast me through the screen. lol
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